Religious Preference Disorder and The Holiday Baby

For the last two decades, psychologists and psychiatrists have become increasingly concerned over the encroachment of religion into our daily affairs and public life. The discomfort they feel is now focused in our public schools and efforts have begun to remove all vestiges of religious content from our curriculum. It began, innocently enough with the switch from BC (before Christ) and AD (Anno Domini - After the Lord) to BCE and CE. Following this change, the names of many of our months and days of the week will be changed for this same reason. School psychologists wanted something less hurtful to non-Christians. It should be noted that according to a recent survey, only 40% of psychiatrists believe in a Supreme Being so that particular group would also feel less victimized if BC and AD were changed to BCE (Before the Common Era) and CE (Common Era). This year, 2008 AD will now appear in textbooks as 2008 CE. Doesn’t that make you feel more tolerant?

In this way, Muslims, Atheists, Hindus, Wiccans, Buddhists and 60% of psychiatrists will have a less hurtful experience. This used to be called, informally, Political Correctness but it has now been officially labeled Religious Preference Disorder. School psychologists will begin to treat this disorder immediately. According to pharmaceutical giants like Eli Lilly, “studies” have shown that the preferred treatment for Religious Preference Disorder is daily doses of an anti-psychotic medicine such as Zyprexa until a cure is achieved. Proponents explain that some individuals may have to remain on medication for life.

With these changes well under way, the next step in eradicating hurtful religious references from our lives will be to change the names of those months and days of the week named after pagan gods of any religion. On the short list of months slated for rapid replacement, we find:

January (from Janus, a Roman god with two heads)

February (Februa was a pagan festival of the Romans)

March (Mars - fertility and war are the attributes of this Roman god)

April (The Roman goddess of love was Aprilis)

May (Springtime gives us another Roman Goddess, Maia)

Juno (again the Romans with the great Mother Goddess Juno)

July (named after Julius Caesar, god-like Roman emperor)

August (named after another god-like Roman emperor)

Regarding days of the week that will be changed, the short list contains:

Wednesday (Woden’s day named after a pagan god)

Thursday (Thor’s day, after a god with a big hammer)

Friday (under debate as Frig’s day)

Merry Christmas has already been replaced with Happy Holidays and Jesus Christ will from now on be designated as The Holiday Baby. The Holiday Baby will be permitted to resemble the image of Jesus Christ provided it is held in the arms of The Holiday Mother and not someone named Mary. Discussions are still being held to find appropriate secular names for the Prophet Mohammed and Moses. In an unexpected and surprising turn of events, the American Psychiatric Association has agreed to cleanse all such references from its literature and hence any further references to “Psyche.” Psyche was a beautiful young woman loved by Cupid, who was made immortal by Jupitor according to Roman mythology. Psychiatrists will hereafter be called Disorder-trists. Fortunately or unfortunately, this new terminology does not clearly delineate whether they treat disorders or cause them.

Geoffrey

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

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